Being gay has taught me tolerance, compassion and humility. It has shown me the limitless possibilities of living. It has given me people whose passion and kindness and sensitivity have provided a constant source of strength. It has brought me into the family of man, Mama, and I like it here. I like it.
~~ Armistead Maupin
As l began t o realize l might be gay, a slow dream began to build that my family would mean l was living with a man. That my family, my home, my life would be with a man. In the very early eighties, when I was just a gay whippersnapper, l knew gay couples. I watched them with a longing in my heart and soul. But I never really believed it would happen to me.
Oh, to wake up every morning with a man sleeping next to me. Spooned up to me….
But first, I thought it was against God, which I didn’t understand—I knew my longing was for far more than sexual. That I could have put aside for some God somewhere, up there, testing me.
But I wanted to love another man. In fact I came to see that every time I’d ever been in love, even childhood love, it was with a member of the same sex. The first? A handsome boy named Rod when I was in fourth grade….
And that’s what I couldn’t comprehend. God was love. How could He condemn love? I why would I clearly be someone who longed for the love of another male, and be sent to hell for it? I felt deeply, no matter what Baptist ministers told me, that l was born this way. Why would God make me gay, then condemn me for acting on my nature? Why would a Loving God expect me to run some kind of obstacle course to earn His love, and His Son’s salvation?
Doesn’t sound like love to me? Especially when God’s love was supposed to be unconditional. Unconditional except for…?
I finally left God. I was just too deeply unhappy living a life that wasn’t true to my Loving heart.
Thankfully God wasn’t done with me.
I came to find s God who’s love was unconditional. A God that transcended and refused to be contained in any box/religion of men. Not saying any religion is wrong, only the way some men follow their religion. If the religion not about love love, I’m suspicious of it.
And so I re-found God…and found the love of men.
Today it’s hard to fully remember that Ben who longed for what I sometimes take for granted.
Hard, but not impossible. It’s those memories that fuel many of my love stories.
Today I have love in my life. The love of a man. A man I wake up with in the mornings.
A man I’ve been with for fifteen years. A man to whom I legally married.
I have what that long ago Ben so desperately desired.
And I must remember not to take my man, my home, my life and yes even my dogs for granted. There are a lot of lonely men out there longing for what I have.
If I lived on Russia I could go to prison for being gay. In the Middle East, mutilated and killed for it. Have to deeply hide it on India. And here in my own country, told by a horrid hate filled woman named Kim Davis that my love was against God. That love I had to wait a lifetime to have.
Well Ms. Davis, I don’t anything whatsoever to do with your god (lowercase g). My God transcends and refuses to be contained in any box/religion of men. My God is agape.
My God unconditional love.
My God knows my love is good enough.
And today I’m so grateful for my Love and my family, my husband, my “kids” Sarah Jane and Oliver, and my mom who doesn’t understand but loves and accepts me.
And wow, what could be better than that?
PS: I’m praying for you Ms. Davis.