Day 187 of 365 Days of Silver ~~ Grateful That I Created a Blog and I Can Ramble If I Need (or want) To….

Do you ever want to pick up the phone and call someone you can’t?

Maybe it’s an ex lover/
spouse/husband/wife…that you don’t know just what it was that went…wrong. Everything was right. It was soooooo right. And then it wasn’t. Maybe you were lucky (like me) and you got to be the one to end it or maybe you were unlucky (like Wyatt in the novel I am writing right now) and s/he ended it…. It doesn’t matter which. But do you wish you could just call them and talk? Acknowledge that too much water has gone under the bridge…but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t good while it lasted?

It even with my ex. Who hurt me on a cellular level. Who hurt me so deeply that for awhile I couldn’t believe in God (because if there was a God…how could he let someone hurt me that badly?). I actually wanted to call him once. I actually sent him an email/Facebook message once (I don’t remember which) that said, “I miss you.”

WHY????

Why would I miss that hurt and abuse and damage and devastation? Was I that addicted to him? I had actually joined the hose of people who have said, “But if I just hold on a little longer…he’s a good man…he’ll stop hurting me…. He will heal…. He will stop treating me like shit….

Like in that Dixie Chicks song ….

“Oh, Rosie, her man he gets too rough
That’s all she can say, is he’s a good man
He don’t mean no harm
He was just brought up that way

“But our children are watching us
They put their trust in us
They’re gonna be like us….”

And that’s the thing!

Say what you will…we have a responsibility. Not to just ourselves, but to the Universe around us. We are examples. We are being watched. Maybe by people who read our blogs. Maybe by people who read our Facebooks. Maybe by people at work.

And maybe by our children.

We affect the world.

Our words have power.

So not only do we need to get our ducks in a row for us (because we really don’t know if there is something next—heaven, reincarnation, or oblivion—it’s all faith), but because we affect the world around us.

We are being watched.

We watch others…and we are being watched.

So I don’t care one single tiny bit if my actions will give me a reward in Heaven. That is not what it is about. It is about now…right now…this moment. Because tomorrow doesn’t exist.

The Buddha talked about something called Imponderables (capital “I”). What he taught was that there are things we just shouldn’t worry about because we will not KNOW until we die. We can have a belief or a faith in something, but we will NOT know until we die. We won’t know if we are born again (as cows or princes or slugs or millionaires or cows) or go to a Judgment Day or whether it is just Oblivion.

Wait! What does that have anything to do with anything?

But I am rambling…. Goodness I am rambling! Just what is this essay actually about today?

Sorry….

First…I believe that we should do what we do not because of some heavenly reward…but because it is the right thing to do. And that all of us have some Inner Guide that helps us decide that.

Second…how I started this…

Have you ever wanted to call someone you couldn’t! Yes! That was how this all started!

I want to call my dad. God I want to call my dad! I want to call him and bring closure…even though I am comfortable with where we were and have few regrets. I just wish I knew when he left that message on my answering machine instead of answering that it was my last chance to talk to him. I wish that I could talk about the frustrations of being a father…and the rewards. I wish I could bitch about R…and tell my dad how much I love R. I wish I could tell him how much I loved him and how wish I would have called him back….

I want to call my friend Joanne. GOD I wish I could call her. I wish that I could have had the answers for all the questions she had…. Help her with all that went wrong in her life. Write a book with her (she was an amazing writer). I wish I wish I wish….

I want to call my friend Celeste and tell her how much I love her…

And my friend Joe. The one who helped me come out. Who helped me move out of the apartment I shared with the mother of my daughter to find my own place as a gay man in this world. Who showed me that two men can be husbands and that it works. I loved him so much.

And this list isn’t just dead people.

I wish I could call the best friend that I had to break up with recently…call the version of him that hasn’t lost his mind…and make sure he knew that I really deeply loved him….

So many more….

But then….

But then!

I am so happy that I am old enough to know from experience that all that really matters is that I love my neighbor as I love myself…and that I love myself. And that I love that Imponderable God.

My mother taught me to be polite. To treat others the way I want them to treat me.

This has served me well. Because if I am bullsh*ting, people will figure it out and then not believe one thing that I say. So the reason I am nice to people is that it’s…a good thing to do.

I treat people the way I want to be treated. No butt-kissing…no ulterior motives….

Be nice. Treat people the way I want to be treated.

And once more I have drifted away from the whole phone call thing…just what is today’s post about anyway??

Except….

This….

One, no regrets….

Two… There is a way I can talk to someone I “can’t” talk to anymore.

Pick up the phone…and pretend. Deeply pretend. Forgive them. Ask them to forgive you. Role play them apologizing for that affair they had (or for leaving). Ask for forgiveness for the affair you had (and for leaving them).

Above all…be the best you can be
(which will be different from day to day)
and hold your head up high.

I know this….

Something wonderful is about to happen! And I am going to be prepared for it. Arms outstretched!

And ultimately, I am grateful that I can ramble. And even if it is to the ether…

I can ramble,

And grow….

Namasté.
Ben

PS: Sorry, I don’t know what today’s post was about. But I’m grateful I could ramble….

photgraph by imelenchon morgueFile

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