Why have the wings
Unless you’re meant to fly?
And tell me please, why have a mind
If not to question why?
And what a waste to have a taste
Of things that can’t he mine?
~~ Marilyn Bergman
It’s been quite a journey but it’s nice to be celebrating over twenty-five years of being an out gay man. I spent so long denying myself, making excuses (I’m an artist, I just appreciate the curve and form of the male body), pretending I was something other than I was.
A big part of it was that when I was growing up I was told by an authority figure I could trust that homosexual were all thieves and that they drove around in vans and kidnapped little boys and raped them. Well! That was a relief! I couldn’t be homosexual, could I? I didn’t steal and had no interest in driving vans.
Or raping anyone.
It was still a long journey. I had to work through the teachings that I was doomed to hell because of who I loved. I did everything I could think of to get myself to be attracted to women including buying Penthouse magazines and staring at the pictures. But in the long run the only pictures I was looking at was when the girl was paired off with a guy or when I was reading the Penthouse letters that said, “I never believed the letters in Penthouse were real until….” And sometimes the story was about a MFM threeway were he also makes it with the guy.”
It took a long long long time but finally I came to realize and listen to the still small voice inside that said that God doesn’t make junk and it was utter foolishness to believe that I would be made gay and then told I had to not act on it to prove I loved God.
I mean, after all, wouldn’t that be like God making birds and then telling them they couldn’t fly or sing? Or make a horse and tell it that if it loved Him then it wouldn’t run?
It was a lot more soul searching than that. It was many nights crying myself to sleep begging God to make me straight. Because the Bible said it would happen!
John 14:13 – And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.
And when after years of still being gay I finally asked myself this…. If it is so that you can ask God for anything but that sometimes the answer is, “No” (that is what I had been taught for years in Sunday school) then wasn’t it possible that God was answering “No” to my request to be heterosexual? What if…? What is God didn’t want me to be straight? What if God had a very good reason for making me gay? What if I was supposed to be gay? What if God had a plan. One that we today don’t understand yet?
And so that was a theory I decided to test.
There were bumps in the road….
But from then forward my life has been filled with blessings.
This bird decided to “fly and praise the sky with every song it sings.”
And what an amazing life!
Today I am grateful that I learned to have pride, not only gay, but in everything thing I was made to be!
What could be better than that?
.photgraph by arashdeep from morgueFile