“No one can get inner peace by pouncing on it.”
Harry Emerson Fosdick
“It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority. It’s necessary.”
~~ Mandy Hale
So bit by bit I’m coming out of this…what? Depression? Is that what it is? It doesn’t feel like doom and gloom. It doesn’t feel like I want hurt myself. It doesn’t feel hopeless. It doesn’t feel like the huge heavy blanket I was wearing when I turned thirty and was wondering what the hell I was doing with my life or the horrible, horrible heart stabbing last few years with my ex. It’s not like any of that stuff.
But for some reason, starting almost immediately after GRL—the huge retreat weekend for those who write and read gay romance—I started to feel…down?
A big part of it is job I have now that I hope not to have within the next two months. Leaving a place where there are four-hundred people who get—and care—about me and going to a place that is a legal sweat shop where they can force you to work endless-hour shift and tell you that you can’t have any vacation time—at all—during November, December or January.
There are people who aren’t born to work for The Man. I’m not a sheepeople. I sit there and I think, “What the f*ck did he just say? Is he kidding? Really?” And most of my co-workers just reply with, “Baaaaaaaaa…. Baaaaaa…,” and get herded along by nasty sheepdogs and think this is normal.
Not that I am saying that there isn’t a place for job like this. The Good Team Leader doesn’t understand what I am saying and she is intelligent, funny, and very spiritual. She doesn’t understand why I can’t come to work, turn off, work, leave, go home, and turn back on.
But I can’t….
So this…depression?…crept over me, very sneak, very subtle, until I found I couldn’t even motivate myself to get up off the couch and go get a Diet Coke out of the refrigerator. And my writing output suffered. Meaning that much longer until I can quit my day job…. Catch 22. A vicious circle.
I had to do something. Even my mother noticed over Christmas. She said, “You seem to have lost your joy.”
So thus…this blog.
I haven’t had depression problems in a good fourteen years or more. It was at that time that through studying world religions and philosophies from Buddhism to The Secret to Eat, Pray, Love I found myself. I learned to see the Silver Lining in everything. I learned that if I opened my eyes wide enough, I could find it.
And thus this blog….
A announcement that I would, once a day, write something down that I was grateful for. That I would jot down my ideas. That I would applaud myself when I turned what could have been a vicious storm in my head into something good. To say, “Have a blessed day,” to the people around me. Open a door for someone. Read a good book. Watch sitcoms and laugh!
And something is happening. I’m feeling it. I am finally coming out of it. It’s wonderful.
It happened when a friend sent me a video of this really heavy guy dancing around a pool and then told me he thought said guy was sexy. And so maybe that getting fat again guy I see in the mirror is sexy too?
Or when I finally decided to go back to healthier eating. Took awhile but I’m doing it. Lost between five and seven pounds in the first week. It’ll slow down but five to seven pounds is some motivation.
The new house in Brookfield and discovering I like it—like it a lot—and how happy that made my husband. That is bringing me out of it.
Thinking that I may have finally made a few breakthroughs in the novel I am writing that I am starting to get dozens and dozens of emails about asking me when it’s going to be out. First it was pressure. Now I feel the love. And I want to return that love by finishing and letting everyone know what happened to their favorite character.
Today I got a massage. It wasn’t as good as the massages a guy named Rick gives me but it was this huge deal and I treated myself. It wasn’t as good because it was less hands and more this machine thingie but according to the guy my body was so messed up he knew he’d kill me otherwise. I wasn’t sure I believed him. He gave me another discount. Then as this day has gone by I realized. Holy gumdrops! He was right! I am feeling so much better! Got a little sick there and then realized I hadn’t taken the hot bath and drank the water he told me to drink and so here I am…typing away in the bathtub and drinking tons of water.
And I’m not feeling so down. I’m sharing with the Universe how I am feeling and reporting that yes—I am feeling better—and I am so grateful.
I thank God I’ve spent nearly five months writing about the Silver Linings because I am seeing them again, more and more easily.
A good neighbor said something to me yesterday that made my heart skip a beat. He was saying how he is beginning to see the silver linings in life. He said he just recently hit a deer and the old him would have been very upset that the car was ruined but the new him was happy and relieved that he and his partner were okay and that he could always get a new car.
It really is looking at the glass as half empty or half full, as much as a cliché as that may be.
And I am finally, really—truly—seeing the half full. The more than half full. The light at the end of the tunnel that is not a train.
And for that I am very very grateful!
You can find the dancing bear here. Since he isn’t on YouTube I can’t figure out how to embed it!
He is kinda sexy, isn’t he?
Photograph by grietgriet from morgueFile