“Where thou art – that – is Home.”
~~ Emily Dickinson
Every house where love abides
And friendship is a guest,
Is surely home, and home sweet home
For there the heart can rest.
~~ Henry Van Dyke
I don’t know what has happened in all the years since I have been in this little Big House in the small little town of Brookfiled, but it is there. It is very there. I don’t know why I feel different about this place, but I do.
Maybe I’ve matured. Maybe I’m more dedicated to my husband. Bonded. More in love. Maybe I’m a little more responsible. Who knows? But now…. Now I like being here.
I don’t know why I didn’t really like it before. R loved this house so much and so wanted me to love it. Wanted me to fall so in love with it that I would be willing to leave Kansas City and live in a little town in the middle of nowhere. Is that perhaps what it is? It represented a life-style that I am not interested in and may never be interested in? I think Kansas City is pretty rinky-dink. I could very well live in Chicago or Manhattan.
What is it that Bram Stoker said?
“…to be in the midst of the whirl and rush of humanity, to share its life, its change, its death.”
That’s me.And maybe this house just represented “small town” more than I could deal with. All these little things that R didn’t see that I couldn’t un-see. That I was spoiled and spoiled rotten by everything a bigger city allows. Like reliable plumbing!
Maybe it was that I had practically JUST gotten out of a ten year relationship with a man where the last five years had been pretty abusive. That breaking away from that and him meant I had to assert myself like I never had in my whole life. To be ME, no apologies. To be ME and that is what I was going to be. No compromises. In some ways I was going into a relationship way too fast when I met R.
But if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have R.
And I want R.
Despite a host and a half of differences and some real frustrations, we couldn’t be more different, I love him more than I have loved anyone in my life. And despite the fact that he is not very demonstrative, I see in many ways that he loves me even more than I love him.
But I digress.
Somehow, through some wondrous miracle, we have reclaimed the house he lost and now has back. And it feels like home this time. It really feels like home!
I couldn’t move here. But I could be here a LOT and really like it. I think when I am done with my Evil Day Job and can come and go as I like it will make a big difference as well. I think maybe I thought my few days were somehow stolen by this little town. Now I feel almost ashamed that I once felt that way.
Maybe I feel more invested because of our years together and I’ve helped buy this house back. I’m helping. I planted a rose bush yesterday. I am helping pick out the flowers and the towels. And there is the that the people who bought the house resided it and fixed a lot of stuff and upgraded it! This fairy needs certain things! After today we might finally have reliable plumbing!
And through an ap I have even discovered gay people here now! OMGosh! There is a couple about a half mile away that we will have to meet soon, if not this week then the next visit!
And maybe it’s just this: Where thou art – that – is Home.
Whatever it is…it feels good. And it feels good to be here with my man.