Day 42 of 365 Days of Silver ~~ Hold On (or Being There for Someone – Part Two)

When your day is long
And the night, and the night is yours alone
When you’re think you’ve had enough
Of this life…
…hang on
~~ REM

I wish I could write lyrics. I wish I could write poetry.

That’s not my gift though and I am not going to waste time not being proud of the gifts I do have.

So I write stories to encourage. I write stories to tell people to hold on. I write stories to say, as Dan Savage would say, “It gets better,” and as a personal hero of mine–Paul Richmond–would say…”You will rise!”

I get my message across that way….

When I was thirty years old I had just ended a relationship with a woman to be true to myself–to live as a gay man. I was alone, had a big apartment to myself in Overland Park, Kansas. I had some good friends, but I had rarely lived alone in all that time and I was scared. I wondered if I had wasted those years that I lived with the mother of my daughter. The men didn’t come running to me and pound on the door shouting, “Ben! I want to be your forever lover!”

There were lots of lonely nights. The first gay man I fell in love with dumped me. I was still in the deep chains of feeling that God might hate me and might be one day sending me to hell.

And one night I called a friend. One in Chicago. She was surprised I called her. I was surprised I called her. She asked me if I was okay. I told her I was. We got off the phone.

I went into the bathroom and calmly poured a bottle of Flexeril into my hand. I took one once and slept for eight hours. I knew waht these would do….

Then the phone rang. It was my friend Rose (who I named my daughter partly after) and she asked me what was wrong. I told her nothing. She…get this…asked me if I had done anything. Did I have a razor. Had I taken any pills!

“Not yet,” I said.

I was so calm. I wasn’t weeping. I wasn’t crying. I was ready. Ready to go.

She talked me out of it. She made me pour them into the toilet. She made me flush them away.

And I lived.

I’m glad.

Not that there weren’t hardships to come. There were. Oh, there were!

But I got better. I get better every time. I rise. And when I fall? Well I rise again.

I wish I as a poet. I heard a song last night called “Everybody Hurts.” It was written by REM and it was done on Glee and the Cranberries did an awesome version. Look it up. I wish I was a poet because I wish I wrote that song….

I’ve been through hell…and I have seen magick! I am here to say that it gets better. That everybody hurts.

And please. Hold on.

It gets better.

Namasté,
B.G. Thomas

PS: At the risk of getting sued….

Everybody Hurts
(words and music by REM)

When your day is long
And the night, and the night is yours alone
When you’re think you’ve had enough
Of this life…
…hang on

Don’t let yourself go
‘Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts
Sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it’s time to sing along
When your day is night alone (Hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (Hold on)
If you sure you’ve had too much
Of this life…
…hang on

‘Cause everybody hurts, sometimes
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don’t throw your hands, oh no

Don’t throw your hands
If you feel like you’re alone
No, no, no,
You’re not alone

If you’re on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
If you’re sure you’ve too much
Of this life…
…to hang on

Well, everybody hurts…sometimes
Everybody cries…sometimes
Everybody hurts….
…sometimes
Everybody hurts sometimes

So hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
‘Cause you’re not alone….

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2 thoughts on “Day 42 of 365 Days of Silver ~~ Hold On (or Being There for Someone – Part Two)

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